Intimacy, What is It Really?

Simply put, intimacy is more than sex or
making love. It’s more than the physical or even emotional connection you feel
with your partner. Intimacy involves a soul connection between two people.

While instant chemistry can be exciting and
thrilling, the chemistry that makes marriages work usually grows over time. This
special chemistry between two people involves excellent communication and self
sacrifice more than physical attraction. It takes trust, patience, and
willingness to talk and to listen.

With greater intimacy, married partners can
have a more satisfying and fulfilling romantic life. They can learn what pleases
each other. For example, your wife may not like flowers all of the time. She may
desire a massage, or a well cooked meal. Or your husband may not want the latest
fashionable sweater. It’s a clean car or your full attention, he desires most.

Being able to express what you want is
important and genuinely listening to your spouse are key factors in building an
intimate romance. Unfortunately, these skills aren’t fully developed in most
marriages, so as the saying goes: “Married people can be some of the loneliest
people in the world.”

What generally inhibits partners from
building deeper relationships with each other?

Cary Barbor writes, “One partner (often the
woman) will fight to break down defenses and create more intimacy while the
other (often the man) will withdraw and create distance. So the “dance of
intimacy” follows: If the woman gets too close, the man pulls back. If he moves
too far away, she pursues, and so on.” — Finding Real Love – Intimacy and
Alienation, Psychology Today (Jan 2001)

She also comments that we often try to
recreate and fulfill our childhood desires through our marriage partners. We’re
attracted to people because they remind us of our parents (OR what we wanted our
parents to be). When we realize that they are too much like our mother or our
father, we become frustrated, communication breaks down, and we build
self-protecting “walls”.

So how can you grow in intimacy with your
marriage partner? Here are some keys to unlock the mystery of deeper intimacy.

Determine what you really need out of the
relationship. Is friendship more important than financial stability? Or must the
bills be paid on time even if your spouse doesn’t have much time with you? Can
you sacrifice long conversations for more affectionate behavior? Or do you need
to talk things out no matter how long it takes? The list can go on.

Determine what your spouse really needs. At
first your husband or wife may be reluctant to share what he or she needs. They
may have never really thought about it in an organized fashion. Maybe it would
help to have him/her write down his/her desires when he/she is relaxed. Some
suggestions: do a really nice deed for your partner like, drawing a warm bath or
cooking a nice meal. Then ask them to take the time to think about what they
need in the relationship.

Make an effort to change your behavior
everyday. If your partner needs more space, draw back a little. If they need
more of your time, tune out any distractions and pay attention to your spouse.
You may start with fifteen or twenty minutes with no TV, phone, computer, radio,
etc. and then gradually increase your time to one to two hours of uninterrupted
time per day.

Finally, take care of yourself. If you
are frazzled, you won’t be a fun person to be around. Make sure that you have
your own “me” time everyday where you can pray, meditate, and take care of your
personal needs. Whether it’s writing in a journal, reading a good book, giving
yourself a manicure, or just vegging out, do it. You and your spouse will be
happy you did.

Keishia Lee-Louis is the Editor and
Publisher of
http://married4good.blogspot.com

(launching November 2005). Her work has appeared on iVillage.com,
BibleResourceCenter.com, and in numerous other printed publications.

Currently, she lives with her husband,
daughter and son. She’s writing a book on marriage and relationships which will
be published Spring 2006.

If you’d like to see
more of her work, visit

http://married4good.blogspot.com